The twelve steps use a prayer that may be familiar to you, and that is the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I had seen that prayer on mugs and bookmarks before, but until I tried to apply it to my life I did not realize how profound it was. In this prayer, I’m asking God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The idea of acceptance used to really bother me: I do not want to accept unacceptable things. By accepting the poor choices my loved ones were making, wasn’t I condoning those choices? By not being outraged and upset and angry, wasn’t that a mark that I must not care enough or that I don’t take things seriously or that the people who are making destructive choices in their lives don’t matter to me? 

That is not what acceptance means, which was a revelation (and a relief) to me as I went through Al-anon. 

Here is a fact: I can’t change everything. There are circumstances in my life that I would give anything to be able to change. And I just can’t. I don’t have that power. So I can rage against that, I can come at it with a defeatist attitude, I can wear myself out trying to find a loophole, or perhaps I can learn to accept it with serenity. What I am accepting is that I can’t force my circumstances to be what I wish they were. I’m not saying, “It’s okay that my loved one is doing this.” I’m only saying, “I acknowledge that my loved one is doing this.” And then further, “I acknowledge that my loved one is doing this and that I don’t have the power to change it.”  Accepting the fact doesn’t mean I have to stop feeling my feelings or holding my beliefs. It doesn’t mean I have to pretend that everything is ok. It also doesn’t mean that I give it all up for lost, decide there is no hope, and fall into despair.

Because there is more to the prayer.

The second part of the Serenity Prayer is “the courage to change the things I can.” Instead of being a victim, instead of being defeatist, instead of weeping in fury and despair for grief that my life had turned out in a way that I didn’t ever invite or expect or want… instead of all of that, I realized that I could change some things. Not everything. I had already acknowledged that I can’t make my circumstances be everything I want them to be. But one of the guiding principles of Al-Anon is that I actually don’t have to change my circumstances before I can be serene and happy. I can find serenity, happiness, joy, purpose, calm… even in the midst of difficulties and pain. 

It becomes ever more clear to me that the source of a joyful life is not in ideal circumstances. It is in the strength and stability that are growing in me as God grants me serenity, courage, and wisdom.

How about you? Have you struggled to accept the fact that there are things you can’t change? Do you believe that you can find serenity and joy even in the midst of those circumstances? May God grant you that serenity, and the courage to change the things you can.